Step-Parenting - My Mommy Board

It definitely helps that I have y'all to talk with and I can vent to. And that there are people here that can relate to what I'm going through is a SUPER help! Thank you!

SS is generally a super laid back kid! He is just so sweet.

I did have to do an attitude adjustment on SD yesterday evening. I heard her say something that was just VERY unacceptable to me. She was in the middle of a meltdown. DH had taken the kids to the park to play some baseball. SD was mad that SS had gotten a little more time at bat than she did even though she had gotten more chances to hit the ball, and did hit the ball more times. When DH brought them home he had them go up and play in their rooms. SS in his room and SD in her room. I heard her say something to the effect of "He said he would do more with me and he's not. He's doing less. I'm never going to trust him again!" I was REALLY mad by this for a few reasons, including the fact that, to me, it doesn't sound like something an 8 year old comes up with on their own. It sounds like something they heard and learned in their living environment. I asked her if it bothered her when her brother gets something and she doesn't. She said yes. I then asked her if it bothered her that the other day DH bought her something at the store, but her brother didn't get anything, which she said no. I told her that sometimes her brother is going to get something that she doesn't and other times she will get things and he won't. I also told her that sometimes Daddy needs to give some attention to her brother, and that she can't be the center of attention all the time. It doesn't mean that we love her any less, but we also have to give love to her brother too. And that we want them both to grow up to be loving, smart, beautiful adults. This was right before dinner. I needed a few minutes to cool down a bit. I was really upset by what she said. A lot of that had to deal with the issues that I have with my father. I don't talk to him because of the way he treated me for MANY years (He claims it was because he was "whipped" by my step-mother, but telling me "don't call me, don't write to me, don't even refer to me as your father" is rather difficult to forgive and forget). I just can't let an 8 year old child act like a spoiled brat purely because she didn't get what she wanted at the time, especially when in the overall picture she actually get more attention than her brother does.

While the kids were at my in-laws house, SD threw a SERIOUS meltdown because my MIL wouldn't wash SD's hair for her. MIL was talking SD through taking a shower. It's something that we started working on teaching the kids while they were at our house for spring break. SD really had gone off the deep end on this one. Screaming about how Mommy does it for her, and literally trying to pull her clumps of her hair out and screaming about how it hurt while she was pulling her hair. It was a bit frightening for my MIL that SD was acting like that.

This "it's not fair to me" attitude is something that we (DH, my in-laws, and I) have been dealing with for years now. This is something that has been an issue for several years. My in-laws use to have the kids for the summer when DH's Navy schedule made it difficult for him to have his visitation with the kids. SS's birthday in in July. In-laws would have a birthday party for him and SD would have a meltdown because he was getting gifts and stuff and she wasn't. We can't help to feel that she is getting preferential treatment at her mother's. I understand that with having a child with special needs, sometimes they need more attention, and you want to make up for it with the other one and give them a little extra attention. But, I really can't help but think that their mother is taking to too far and making sure everything is fair towards SD, but not being fair to SS. Because, honestly, SS doesn't make an issue out of it. He doesn't mind at all, and sometimes I think he likes, having time to himself just playing in his room and generally doing his own thing. You can tell when he's starting to get agitated with SD being in his face, or if he's trying to do something for himself and people are trying to much to help him. It's kind of nice when SS tells DH to "wait" because SS wants to do it himself and DH keeps trying to help him. I think their mother is overcompensating way too much. I understand she's doing the single parent thing and it's tough. But, I think it's leading to her overcompensating too much. And we all think that their mother gives SD way too much attention, automatically siding with SD when there is an issue between the children, and generally treating her better than SS. I have seen their mother when we bring the kids back to her, just gush over SD but though she gives SS a hug and a kiss and tell SS how much she's missed him, she doesn't talk with him as much. But their mother will sit and just chat away with SD. Now, true, SS doesn't talk as well as SD does. We have to tell SD to stop talking for her brother a lot. We tell her often that we are talking to Logan and helping him with talking better. Though we appreciate her help and if we need her help we would rather ask her for it.

I just wish I could figure out a way to help her understand and see that she really does get more than Logan does. Everyday so far we have had a couple minor meltdowns and at least on major meltdown. This is really wearing on my patience, and it concerns me for when Sprout is here and how SD is going to react with the baby.

Hopefully DH will learn how to use his stern voice with the kids. I'm sure he has one, I'll bet he has used it with the sailors that work for him. He has used it with me on a few rare occasions. I understand that he wants them to want to come spend time with us and enjoy their time, but he needs to be reminded on the regular basis. He's their parent and not one of their friends.

Source: http://www.mymommyboard.com/general-parenting/22741-step-parenting.html

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